MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—After putting in what one associate called a “hellish all-nighter,” the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is almost finished redacting Robert Mueller’s report in time for its release, on Thursday.
Earlier in the week, the U.S. Attorney General, William Barr, submitted the approximately four-hundred-page document to Putin for his approval, but the Russian President was reportedly “in a state of disbelief” over how much Barr had failed to redact.
Quickly assembling a crisis team at the Kremlin to implement further redactions, Putin told his associates, “Put some coffee on, boys—it’s going to be a long night.”
Although Putin is said to be satisfied that his redactions have rendered the Mueller report meaningless, he resents that the important task of obliterating damning evidence fell to him. “I have to do everything for these people,” he reportedly said.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda said on Friday that they were totally perplexed as to why Donald J. Trump had not yet invited them to the White House.
The terror chiefs said that, as sworn enemies of the United States, they had certainly attacked the country enough to warrant an invitation for an official visit, and possibly a state dinner.
“Maybe we haven’t done anything to directly undermine their democracy—I get that,” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of ISIS, said. “But we’ve been nemeses of America for years, and that ought to be worth something.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leader of Al Qaeda, said that he also feels snubbed. “No invitation. Not even a save-the-date,” he said. “At this point, I’d settle for the White House Easter Egg Roll, but I’m not counting on anything.”
Calling the absence of a White House invitation for Al Qaeda “the height of unfairness,” the evildoer added, bitterly, “The whole thing seems political.”
Hibatullah Akhundzada, the current leader of the Taliban, said that, like his terrorist colleagues, he was “dumbfounded” that Trump invited Vladimir Putin and not him to the White House. “At some point you have to wonder, what does Putin have on this guy?” he said.