Obama Saddened That Kavanaugh Did Not Blame Him at Any Point

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said Thursday evening that he was “saddened” and “hurt” that Brett Kavanaugh failed to blame him for his predicament at any point in his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing earlier in the day.

“As he was rattling off all of the people who had victimized him, I was sure I was going to make the list,” Obama said. “It was more than a little deflating that I didn’t.”

Obama said that as Kavanaugh listed such nemeses as the mainstream media, a vast left-wing conspiracy, and the Clintons, he was “on the edge of my chair expecting my name to come up.”

“It’s not a good feeling to be forgotten like that,” he said. “It was a tough thing to watch.”

Obama said that it was “a little comforting” to know that he was not the only person Kavanaugh neglected to blame in his remarks. “I just got off the phone with George Soros, and he is bummed as well,” Obama said.

In an official statement released after the former President’s remarks, Kavanaugh said that his failure to blame Obama was “a simple omission,” and not a memory lapse due to excessive alcohol consumption.

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Trump Brags That He Got Much Bigger Laughs at U.N. Than Obama

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his speech to the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday “an unbelievable success,” Donald J. Trump bragged that he “got much bigger laughs than Obama.”

“When Obama spoke at the U.N. he did not get a single laugh—not one,” Trump told reporters. “I feel sorry for the people who had to sit through his speeches. They weren’t funny at all.”

In contrast, Trump said, “I killed at the U.N.”

“I had them rolling in the aisles,” he said. “Once I started hearing those big laughs, I thought, Poor li’l Obama, he’s going to be so jealous.”

Trump called the United Nations a “tough crowd” for comedy because the audience is composed of people from around the globe. “I’m sure the crooked media won’t give me credit for this, but I’m the only person who can make the whole world laugh,” he said.

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