Kremlin Names Trump Employee of the Month

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Capping an extraordinary year for the former television host, the Kremlin has named Donald J. Trump its Employee of the Month for December.

“No one has worked more tirelessly for the glory of the Fatherland than Donald Trump,” the Russian President Vladimir Putin said in an official statement. “He has set a high bar for all Kremlin employees, and for that, we salute him.”

To mark the honor, Trump’s name will be added to a plaque that hangs in the hallway outside the Kremlin’s H.R. office.

According to Kremlin sources, Trump faced tough competition in the Employee of the Month voting, besting both Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and ExxonMobil’s C.E.O., Rex Tillerson.

Speaking to reporters at his Mar-a-Lago estate, in Florida, Trump called the award “a tremendous honor, just tremendous.”

“Obama was President for eight years and he didn’t win this a single month,” he said. “Loser.”

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Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report

Satire from The Borowitz Report

Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report

 

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—After putting in what one associate called a “hellish all-nighter,” the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is almost finished redacting Robert Mueller’s report in time for its release, on Thursday.

Earlier in the week, the U.S. Attorney General, William Barr, submitted the approximately four-hundred-page document to Putin for his approval, but the Russian President was reportedly “in a state of disbelief” over how much Barr had failed to redact.

Quickly assembling a crisis team at the Kremlin to implement further redactions, Putin told his associates, “Put some coffee on, boys—it’s going to be a long night.”

Although Putin is said to be satisfied that his redactions have rendered the Mueller report meaningless, he resents that the important task of obliterating damning evidence fell to him. “I have to do everything for these people,” he reportedly said.

 

 

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Trump Family Flees to Moscow

Satire from The Borowitz Report
By Andy Borowitz  July 27, 2018

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Bringing a tumultuous chapter of American history to an abrupt conclusion, Donald J. Trump and three of his adult children fled to Moscow in the early hours of Friday morning.

Accompanied by Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., Trump boarded a specially chartered Aeroflot plane to take him to his new home in Moscow, a nondescript apartment building that also houses the former N.S.A. employee Edward Snowden.

Trump reportedly was in a tremendous hurry to catch the plane and left behind only a one-sentence note, reading, “THERE WAS NO COLUSION [sic].”

At the White House, Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that the Trump family had fled to Moscow, telling reporters, “The Trump family has not fled to Moscow.”

The arrangements for the Trumps’ exit were finalized last week in the one-on-one conversation between Trump and Vladimir Putin, in Helsinki, a translator who was present during the conversation has confirmed.

According to the translator, Trump told Putin, “We’ll move to Moscow as soon as Ivanka winds down her crappy company.”

Those who witnessed Trump’s departure indicated that his wife, Melania, did not board the Aeroflot plane with him, but saw him off at the airport with a cordial “Be best.”

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