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SALT LAKE CITY — United States Postal Service employees are saying that USPS managers force employees to falsify delivery information on packages, in order to keep up with on-time delivery rates.
The employees said the delivery rates directly correlate to manager salaries.
Customers around the Salt Lake Valley have voiced concerns on social media that packages shown as ‘delivered,’ don’t arrive for another one to three days on their doorstep.
West Valley City resident Candace Bennion said recently, the USPS showed it delivered three packages to her. While one package arrived, the other two were nowhere to be found.
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Satire from The Borowitz Report
By Andy Borowitz
August 9, 2018
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday.
“Prognostication is an inexact science,” Davis Logsdon, who studies conviction rates of corrupt politicians for the University of Minnesota’s Guilt Project, said. “Having said that, if current indictment trends hold up, the Republicans could be flipping at least seventy key prison seats.”
Logsdon broke down criminal cases against Republicans into likely convictions, likely acquittals, and toss-ups, and found that the G.O.P.’s path to the magic number of seventy new prison cells was “very doable.”
According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump.
“In those districts, we’re seeing Republicans who did an incredible job of raising money,” he said. “All of that money is going to translate into a huge number of new freshman prisoners.”
All in all, Logsdon sees the prospect of seventy new Republicans in prison as “nothing short of seismic.”
“Prisons need to get ready,” he said. “A red wave is coming.”
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